somewhere over the rainbow

1. this was my post in my workout log today: i say "workout" log, because at only 5 hill repeats, and at a minute each at that, it sure as hell doesnt qualify for "training"
2. 
   
3. Hill Intervals
4. DateMon, Jun 29 2009
5. StatusAs scheduled
6. Workout TypeEndurance 
7. Description

   10min warm up and cool down 5x60sec hill intervals with an easy jog down for recovery (~90sec). It's OK to use the same hill as last week.

8. Comment

   
   

   [disclaimer: i debated editing this post for language but frankly the thesaurus choices to replace said curse words werent strong enough, so they remain in this post. apologies ahead of time if it is offensive. i know it is not ladylike but i cant always act a lady, especially when i feel like a louse]

   
   

   i did 5. all at a minute. + or - a second or two.... banging my head against a wall might have felt more comfortable.

   
   

   i dont know what the deal is with my hr but its safe to say that its pretty screwed up. no hr monitor but i can feel the flutter in my chest when it gets to a point where i think i will pass out if i dont bend over. at that point, my legs feel like they slowly shut down. its whacky and its doing a damn good job of freaking me the fuck out.

   either a] i am terribly out of shape or b] there is something else that is going on...and frankly, i would prefer a over b. i am so goddamn sick and tired of not being 100% or anywhere close and im even more frustrated that its at the point where i fear that if i mention it to people [ie my surgeon or my parents...or you] that they will think this is in my head. I KNOW IT IS NOT.

   
   

   my thyroid levels came back absolutely perfect. dr recommended i see my GP for a full workup. i have done nothing but see dr after dr the past 6 months so i told her i didnt see the point in that. she said it wasnt the drugs that were causing issues...as for restarting that drug, she left it up to me. i havent decided one way or the other.

   
   

   i have made a valiant attempt to NOT be concerned about the issues ive had getting back into running by overthinking it or paying too much attention to it. ive quit the negative self talk.

   and ive quit the positive self talk; truth be known, the past few runs have consisted of me getting my head shut to the fuck up when running.

   
   

   when thoughts of 'oh my god this is too hard" come up, i find something else to focus my attention on. saturday, it was looking for 'for sale' signs on houses in 78704: thats how i picked my route; i just ran up one street, turned down the next, all the while tracking forsale signs. there are a lot of houses for sale between cumberland and bartonsprings road, south 5th and south 1st.

   
   

   but when the mind is quiet, i can hear my heart pounding, and feel my lungs..they dont scream, its more like a slow burn that gets worse and worse the longer i run.

   
   

   today on the hill it was really apparent.

   
   

   im so fucking frustrated and i know that this emotion is completely unproductive which, of course, just makes the propensity towards anxiety even worse.

   
   

   did i mention how frustrated i am? i cant talk about it with anyone because they they will all think that ive truly lost it. or that im weak minded. or a hypochondriac.

   
   

   performance anxieties are not driving the frustration: physical feelings while running are driving the frustration.

   this shouldnt be so hard. why am i struggling so much to run up one goddamn hill that isnt even as steep as my "normal" hill over by rabb road? 
   
   shit, i even picked a hill with a positive name "rainbow" hoping that positive energy would somehow translate to my feet.

   
   

   my foot is on the gas, my engine is revving but im stuck in neutral.

   
   

   Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. 
   There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
   Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. 
   And the dreams that you dare to dream
   Really do come true.
   Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.
   Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.That's where you'll find me.
   Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,
   Why then - oh, why can't I?
   If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
   Why, oh, why can't I?