06 August 2009
11 July 2009
Italy.
I leave in a week or so...
And finally, I feel that I can be excited about it! School et all has had me so wrapped up in CRAP that I haven't really had the time to think about anything other than what was right in front of my face: mostly a book about world hunger for one class and my accounting book and annoying online homework for the other. Fun and enlightening stuff, eh? Wow, so glad that is over. I think the BS factor in my remaining classes is relatively low from this point forward [well, except for the fact that I have to take a writing course...um, why?!? Did my liberal arts degree and a master's not make me write enough? Um, No. I had 30-50 page papers due every semester for the last 4 of 7 in gradschool. And thats just the last 4 semesters!! Some of these requirements, either TXSTATE mandated or State of Texas mandated, blow [for lack of a better word].]
BUT, for now, seemingly insignificant but highly annoying school stress ended yesterday and now its time for trip preparations.
I still need to figure out who is going to watch Mr. Pollock while I am away...OHHHHH DANG, he is going to be so ticked off that I'll be gone....but hopefully not as ticked as he was while I was trying to take this picture. Yes, this resulted in a few scratches. Oh, and that is NOT a LIVESTRONG bracelet but rather a rubber band that held my bunch of organic celery together. On it is stamped "Organically Made"... No doubt.
I wonder if Monseigneur Armstrong can claim the same thing...?
29 June 2009
somewhere over the rainbow
- this was my post in my workout log today: i say "workout" log, because at only 5 hill repeats, and at a minute each at that, it sure as hell doesnt qualify for "training"
- Hill Intervals
- Mon, Jun 29 2009
- As scheduled
- Endurance
10min warm up and cool down 5x60sec hill intervals with an easy jog down for recovery (~90sec). It's OK to use the same hill as last week.
[disclaimer: i debated editing this post for language but frankly the thesaurus choices to replace said curse words werent strong enough, so they remain in this post. apologies ahead of time if it is offensive. i know it is not ladylike but i cant always act a lady, especially when i feel like a louse]
i did 5. all at a minute. + or - a second or two.... banging my head against a wall might have felt more comfortable.
i dont know what the deal is with my hr but its safe to say that its pretty screwed up. no hr monitor but i can feel the flutter in my chest when it gets to a point where i think i will pass out if i dont bend over. at that point, my legs feel like they slowly shut down. its whacky and its doing a damn good job of freaking me the fuck out.
either a] i am terribly out of shape or b] there is something else that is going on...and frankly, i would prefer a over b. i am so goddamn sick and tired of not being 100% or anywhere close and im even more frustrated that its at the point where i fear that if i mention it to people [ie my surgeon or my parents...or you] that they will think this is in my head. I KNOW IT IS NOT.
my thyroid levels came back absolutely perfect. dr recommended i see my GP for a full workup. i have done nothing but see dr after dr the past 6 months so i told her i didnt see the point in that. she said it wasnt the drugs that were causing issues...as for restarting that drug, she left it up to me. i havent decided one way or the other.
i have made a valiant attempt to NOT be concerned about the issues ive had getting back into running by overthinking it or paying too much attention to it. ive quit the negative self talk.
and ive quit the positive self talk; truth be known, the past few runs have consisted of me getting my head shut to the fuck up when running.
when thoughts of 'oh my god this is too hard" come up, i find something else to focus my attention on. saturday, it was looking for 'for sale' signs on houses in 78704: thats how i picked my route; i just ran up one street, turned down the next, all the while tracking forsale signs. there are a lot of houses for sale between cumberland and bartonsprings road, south 5th and south 1st.
but when the mind is quiet, i can hear my heart pounding, and feel my lungs..they dont scream, its more like a slow burn that gets worse and worse the longer i run.
today on the hill it was really apparent.
im so fucking frustrated and i know that this emotion is completely unproductive which, of course, just makes the propensity towards anxiety even worse.
did i mention how frustrated i am? i cant talk about it with anyone because they they will all think that ive truly lost it. or that im weak minded. or a hypochondriac.
performance anxieties are not driving the frustration: physical feelings while running are driving the frustration.
this shouldnt be so hard. why am i struggling so much to run up one goddamn hill that isnt even as steep as my "normal" hill over by rabb road?
shit, i even picked a hill with a positive name "rainbow" hoping that positive energy would somehow translate to my feet.my foot is on the gas, my engine is revving but im stuck in neutral.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?
25 May 2009
babycakes nyc=love
BabyCakes, the Book of Recipes: It's Here! from BabyCakes NYC on Vimeo.
cant wait to order this book!
every single time I am in NYC, I trek downtown, way way downtown to visit this little gem of a glutenfree, dairy free, soy free, egg free [ok so vegan, too] bakery.
love love love love love= babycakes nyc.
29 April 2009
25 April 2009
coming clean
and letting go of "ego" regarding a podium finish for a time that is my slowest [and was my most miserable] 13.1 finish, ever.
the very rough and very all over the place and very grammatically incorrect report follows:
well, with the information i received on friday, my goals for this race had shifted. to be honest, with how id felt [the past few weeks especially] my goals for this race had shifted a while back.
a parasite, salmonella infection that i never kicked, and a pretty sufficient zinc deficiency has my body fighting nonstop all day, without throwing a half marathon in 90% humidity and stiff sustained 20mph winds.
dw and i had talked about shifting the focus to being competitive, taking the first half easier and then on the second half picking people off... it didnt quite work out that way, well, it didnt work out that way at all.
i was alone or by one or two other runners for the majority of the second half of the race [because, as i would later find out, i ended up in the top 25 OVERALL...and was the second place woman. seriously, the elites mustve been racing st louis or boston this past weekend :)]
regardless of where the results had me, i wasnt thrilled with my time, but i do realize that i had a number of things working against me and thus, am able to take solace in the fact that, despite my obstacles, i put my ego on the line when i was not feeling confident or healthy at all... and thats something that i need to do more often.
i didnt sleep very well the night before, due more to the fact that there were drunk hotel guests making a racket in the hall until 2 am than race anxiety..although there was some of that: i was afraid i would feel so bad and get so discouraged that i would quit.
my overall time wasnt HORRIBLE, but it was slower than the first two:which honestly i expected: ----time has been omitted, because as my readers know, i dont post things like that on my blog. the course was about .4 of a mile short, by my calculation but i could be wrong. i had to stop and walk [oh yeah, i walked...] a few times from about the half way point onwards... it was quite a bit hillier than i expected and that, combined with the wind kept sucking the life out of me. every time i would turn a corner, id think id be done with the hills [except for the end, which i thought was about 1 mile uphill and it turned out to be about 3 miles of up and up and up, with the wind at my face and to my right]...and the wind. geezus.
had i thought the race through when i woke up [checked to see what direction the wind was coming from and figured out on what parts of the course it would be in my face, at my back, etc etc], perhaps i couldve paced myself better: however, i was in total denial mode in the days leading up to the race and especially on race morning. i was afraid if i studied the wind + the course direction too much that i would psyche myself out... this ended up being a bad decision on my part.
the next race, should there be a significant wind factor, i will definitely take it into account.
i was not able to run negative splits at all, but it was a day that i will never forget: it was a slug fest, but one that was very rewarding in the end. at the start line, i did size up the folks around me... there was a crew of pretty serious people up front [including a lady that ran in those little running briefs that look like a bikini bottom, holy hell. her confidence amazed me]. the gun went off and i did start off feeling pretty good, which was surprising.
there was one point, before what i thought was the one "major" hill on memorial drive between miles 1.5 and 3, when i thought "maybe im pushing too much too early?"
i wonder if i had held back a bit if i would have been able to avoid the unraveling that occurred after mile 6 and lasted through mile 13...at mile 4 i wondered if my mothers comment at 645 this morning asking me if i was going to take my cell phone with me while i ran 'in case you dont feel good and want me to come pick you up' was a premonition of the struggle to come...6-13 were a struggle on and off, into and out of the wind, with some longer gradual hills and false flats: i found myself stopping at points to massage my very crampy and pissed off abdomen and get some water. i couldnt believe i was doing that, this stopping and walking bit. but, it allowed me to finish, and i think ultimately helped my head because i learned on this day to forGIVE MYSELF. i gave myself the little rests i needed: when i would stop, i would use that opportunity to clear my head. i didnt think about how it would influence my final time, or my average pace... at all.
as you will see, the splits reflect the struggle:---again omitted: but they ranged from 6-8 min/mile
i cannot erase what happened and i am thankful i have been able to look at this day as a learning experience rather than a failure. that, in itself, is progress. it was the hardest thing ive ever done. hands down....and the sense of accomplishment i felt at the finish was unlike anything else i've experienced.
that, in itself, is the reward.
21 April 2009
always trust your gut
its been awhile since i posted anything substantial and im not going to make excuses.
this is where i stand.
ill start at the beginning, as best i can.
two years ago, after my dr was puzzled as to why i kept getting sick and i wasnt absorbing calcium and iron [amongst other thigns], i was diagnosed with a gluten, dairy [milk protein, caesin], and soy allergy. it was not determined at the time whether or not i had celiac sprue and to be honest, all i really cared about was being healthy. i took all measures to ensure that my diet was clean. i did "cheat" every now and then. the time that really stands out was my 27th birthday when friends who didnt know about the gluten allergy brought me treats from quacks. that night i proceeded to eat the oatmeal cookie, the sugar cookie, AND the fruit tart. i felt like crap for 3 days afterwards. but, other than that situation, the most gluten or dairy or soy that i have had has come in the form of a bite of cake or frosting once in a blue moon. anyhow, because i had spent my entire life eating things that i was ultimately allergic to, my intestines were pretty pissed off. i began supplements and probiotics to build back my immune system. last fall, i was well on my way to having a normal gut.
the day of my grandfathers funeral [christmas eve], i got sick. it started off with nausea...then it progressed to me feeling like i was dying... for the next 3 days, i struggled. upon returning to austin, i took a trip to the ER. they did a ct scan [i thought i had appendicitis] and noticed that i had major inflammation in my intestines, a result of what they could not determine. they advised i meet with a gi specialist [which i never did]. 4 days later, i got a head and chest cold that lingered for almost the entire month of january. i spent most of january feeling weak. february was the same. march rolled around and i found myself sick again. i traveled up to the mayo clinic for an endoscopy to determine if i had celiac sprue [which by the way was inconclusive because ive been on a gf diet, so of course the biopsy they took would be negative] that i had irritable bowl syndrome and thats probably why i had been feeling so bad. i didnt believe it; i was already taking all of the dietary precautions that they advise for people with both celiac AND IBS...so knew there was something else going on. i was tired all the time and my running times were really struggling. my stomach/gut didnt feel right most days and i started noticing that i couldnt taste certain foods. by the beginning of this month, i was very anxious that there was something wrong with me: i wasnt running well [or much] at all; i had little to no energy; i wasnt sleeping more than an hour at a time; i was having horrible nightmares; my appetite was so bizarre and i still couldnt taste food very well; everything around me seemed 'dull'; every day was a struggle. i would struggle to get out of bed in the morning and would be thinking about a nap. i forced myself to maintain 'normalcy' as best as i could. i kept running. i kept going to class. i kept up social engagements best i could, but inside, i knew something wasnt right, and it had started to stress me out. big time.
i was at my wits end. i was despondent; i couldnt live like this. i was really starting to get down on myself and i was jealous of everyones energy around me.
last week, i traveled to kc for the lawrence half marathon [my running of it, by the way, was a dumb dumb idea] and that appointment with dr d. she had ordered a number of tests and she gave me the results on friday.
the dx? a parasite. and salmonella that was still festering in my intestines. lovely. both of these things completely wiped out the good bacteria in my gut and thusly my immune system. additionally, because my gut was so screwed up from fighting both of these things for, as best we can determine, the 4 months since my trip to the ER, i have not been absorbing zinc [a major immune system mineral] and other substances from food [including fat]. she made sure to tell me that had my diet NOT been as good as it is and had i not been as conscientious about my health, that these things would have really destroyed me further than they did. i know i had told some people how tired i was all of the time and how poorly i had been feeling, but i dont think people realized just how BAD i felt. my father kept telling me [especially after the trip to mayo], that if something was wrong with me, i wouldnt be able to keep running...and dr d said that most people wouldnt have been able to.
so that folks is why ive been feeling so shitty for 4 months... its not that i dont take care of myself... its not that i dont eat well...its not in my head...
this is where i stand.
ill start at the beginning, as best i can.
two years ago, after my dr was puzzled as to why i kept getting sick and i wasnt absorbing calcium and iron [amongst other thigns], i was diagnosed with a gluten, dairy [milk protein, caesin], and soy allergy. it was not determined at the time whether or not i had celiac sprue and to be honest, all i really cared about was being healthy. i took all measures to ensure that my diet was clean. i did "cheat" every now and then. the time that really stands out was my 27th birthday when friends who didnt know about the gluten allergy brought me treats from quacks. that night i proceeded to eat the oatmeal cookie, the sugar cookie, AND the fruit tart. i felt like crap for 3 days afterwards. but, other than that situation, the most gluten or dairy or soy that i have had has come in the form of a bite of cake or frosting once in a blue moon. anyhow, because i had spent my entire life eating things that i was ultimately allergic to, my intestines were pretty pissed off. i began supplements and probiotics to build back my immune system. last fall, i was well on my way to having a normal gut.
the day of my grandfathers funeral [christmas eve], i got sick. it started off with nausea...then it progressed to me feeling like i was dying... for the next 3 days, i struggled. upon returning to austin, i took a trip to the ER. they did a ct scan [i thought i had appendicitis] and noticed that i had major inflammation in my intestines, a result of what they could not determine. they advised i meet with a gi specialist [which i never did]. 4 days later, i got a head and chest cold that lingered for almost the entire month of january. i spent most of january feeling weak. february was the same. march rolled around and i found myself sick again. i traveled up to the mayo clinic for an endoscopy to determine if i had celiac sprue [which by the way was inconclusive because ive been on a gf diet, so of course the biopsy they took would be negative] that i had irritable bowl syndrome and thats probably why i had been feeling so bad. i didnt believe it; i was already taking all of the dietary precautions that they advise for people with both celiac AND IBS...so knew there was something else going on. i was tired all the time and my running times were really struggling. my stomach/gut didnt feel right most days and i started noticing that i couldnt taste certain foods. by the beginning of this month, i was very anxious that there was something wrong with me: i wasnt running well [or much] at all; i had little to no energy; i wasnt sleeping more than an hour at a time; i was having horrible nightmares; my appetite was so bizarre and i still couldnt taste food very well; everything around me seemed 'dull'; every day was a struggle. i would struggle to get out of bed in the morning and would be thinking about a nap. i forced myself to maintain 'normalcy' as best as i could. i kept running. i kept going to class. i kept up social engagements best i could, but inside, i knew something wasnt right, and it had started to stress me out. big time.
i was at my wits end. i was despondent; i couldnt live like this. i was really starting to get down on myself and i was jealous of everyones energy around me.
last week, i traveled to kc for the lawrence half marathon [my running of it, by the way, was a dumb dumb idea] and that appointment with dr d. she had ordered a number of tests and she gave me the results on friday.
the dx? a parasite. and salmonella that was still festering in my intestines. lovely. both of these things completely wiped out the good bacteria in my gut and thusly my immune system. additionally, because my gut was so screwed up from fighting both of these things for, as best we can determine, the 4 months since my trip to the ER, i have not been absorbing zinc [a major immune system mineral] and other substances from food [including fat]. she made sure to tell me that had my diet NOT been as good as it is and had i not been as conscientious about my health, that these things would have really destroyed me further than they did. i know i had told some people how tired i was all of the time and how poorly i had been feeling, but i dont think people realized just how BAD i felt. my father kept telling me [especially after the trip to mayo], that if something was wrong with me, i wouldnt be able to keep running...and dr d said that most people wouldnt have been able to.
so that folks is why ive been feeling so shitty for 4 months... its not that i dont take care of myself... its not that i dont eat well...its not in my head...
its in my gut.
and i felt it all along.
09 April 2009
lets run
I wish I could figure out how to loop this video...I would watch it continuously: mesmerizing.
04 March 2009
27 February 2009
14 February 2009
i did...
...not really enjoy the movie JUNO as the whole idea of a kid having a kid disturbed the crap out of me... but this is just too much. seriously. this is so disturbing. WHERE were his parents and WHY the hell did they not educate him about the 'birds and the bees"?!
11 February 2009
36th Annual Texas Human Nutrition Conference
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This is where I am heading friday. It is the first "professional" conference I have ever attended and, believe it or not, I am very excited. Not only am I going to experience a new university setting but also I am going to learn a lot about our guts and the bacteria inside of them. Yes, that's right, I am going to a conference essentially on crap. The conference is officially titled "What's Bugging You and Why Does it Matter? Emerging Topics in Gut Microflora, Nutrition, and Health"... Seriously, folks, this is right up my alley. With all of the issues I have had since 2006, I could not have handpicked a more perfect topic to introduce me to the world of professional conferences!!
On another note, the 16th ranked Jayhawks lost this year's border war to 19th ranked Missouri: It was a horrifying unraveling. Up by 14 points at the half, it seemed like a bad dream to watch them loose their grip during the second half with an inordinate amount of turnovers, in my opinion. They were shooting better than Missouri and their defense was equally as strong as the Tigers...However, they lost possession of the ball too many times which really wouldn't have been that big of a problem if Missouri hadn't scored off of those... Damn. Now my fear is that my mother will refuse to travel during basketball season because they lost monday while she and my father are in Turks and Cacos- the first vacation she has allowed them to take during the season in God knows how long...
31 January 2009
So it's been awhile...
...and I apologize.
Life has been, for lack of a better word, busy. Starting grad school again, for a different degree in a totally different field, has been incredibly rewarding but also incredibly overwhelming. There are so many requirements that I have to complete and things I have to have in order so that I 1]am on track and 2] stay on track.
Additionally, I have decided to pursue the dietetic internship option which essentially means that because I do not have an undergrad degree in Nutrition, I must complete ALL of the ess
ential state mandated classes [including an accounting class?!] in order to qualify for the internship. Thusly, instead of starting some of my grad work this semester, I am finishing up my pre-requirements: Biochemistry, Food Science, and Nutritional Ass
essment: which, even if I weren't on the RD track, I would still be taking because TX State requires them. I think my advisor initially thought I might have completed more of the pre-reqs than I actually had. Oh well, I'm enjoying being back in school. Being in school studying something you are genuinely interested in makes A WORLD of difference: I WANT to study now. I want to learn more about the field OUTSIDE of school. I am going to a conference at Texas A+M in a few weeks about Gut Health and I'm actually very excited about it. Because of my issues with my own gut, I think I'd be an idiot NOT to go!
Ok, moving on. Christmas holiday was hectic and left me worn down and very sick for 4 weeks. Because of that, I did not race this month and will not be racing in two weeks like I had hoped t
o. I have had to re-evaluate my goals for the first half of this year but that is OK. Everything happens for a reason and I believe it was God's way of keeping me out of trouble and helping me hit that ONE YEAR anniversary of running with NO injuries... as I had been having some hip/pelvis pain mid-december but was too focused on or stressed about other things to realize that I could be running myself into a hole again. So for the past 5 weeks I' ve just been running, with no care as to how fast [or slow!] or how far...I have been wearing my trusty swatch watch with NO second hand and to be honest, it was hard at first, but I've found it to be incredibly liberating. While in Colorado two weeks ago, I had planned on some quality running at altitude but still feeling crappy, I decided to keep the
running shoes packed and to snow shoe instead. Beaver Creek was having the first snow shoe shuffle of the season and I entered. SO MUCH FUN. If I lived in a place where there was more snow, I would definitely be snowshoeing throughout the winter! I know I will have my a** handed to me on a platter by dw next week when the training picks up again... However, that forced break in december and jan was needed, if for no other reason than to keep me on track to meet my year anniversary...Plus, to have found a new winter activity? PRICELESS! Oh, to be able to find silver linings!!
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