so sue me...

I used to be a Diet Soda Slut. Now, I am the "food coloring, food additive, 'natural flavoring' and packaged food phobe" your parents warned you about. I never drink diet sodas. In fact, I find myself shaking my head when I see people drinking them: Yep, I find myself judging people, the same people who, like me, only buy organic produce, for drinking diet soda... It is sick, me judging, because I have to admit, I am not 100% chemical free: On occasion, on SPECIAL OCCASION, diet sodas are consumed on solo road trips* between Dallas and Austin: Those are the only times I 'allow' myself to have them. To be honest, when I drink one, the taste of all of the chemicals is stunning in a "bad, bad, bad, I know I am killing myself" kind of way and that feeling is reason alone to avoid them. HOWEVER, today was the 4th day this week that I craved a Diet Coke by the halfway point of a workout...I know! WTF?!

The first two times, Tuesday and Thursday, I wrote it off, thinking 'Holy Mary, mother of Christ, I must REALLY be thirsty if I am craving a Diet Coke'.

Yesterday, the craving reached a new height. I found myself VERY jealous when I passed a lady with a Wendy's cup on the trail. Now, I didn't know that it was a Diet Coke, I can only assume... And assuming it was diet coke, I was immediately overcome with a wistful longing so disturbing and unfamiliar to me it freaked me out.

So TODAY, when Mr.G and I stopped to "ice up" [his terminology, not mine...], I found myself marching resolvedly to the cooler in the back of the Stop&Shop, picking up a Diet Coke, and popping the top...and with no second thought.

As we walked out, I said to G: 'I cant remember the last time I drank a diet soda..."

I dont drink that shit," snapped G.

For a split second, and I really mean it, it was only a split second, I felt like an idiot because I KNOW DIET SODAS ARE EVIL nutritionally void, chemically laden, toxic, pathetic excuses for a beverage. 

I continued to pour it into my water bottle...and you know what?

Every chemically swallow was like drinking the sweet sweet nectar of the gods...

Now, that? That's some SCARY s***...

*I've never really taken a 'true road trip': This is something 'bama is hell bent on changing when we are in Spain next month...And I am really excited, even thought it means we will be paying through the nose for fuel. And we think it's disgusting to pay 4$ a gallon while Europeans are paying at least double per LITRE?!?....Yowsers!

40+

I know I mentioned I would not blog about training, or rather the SPECIFICS of training, because I think it is SO LAME when people do...but... sometimes I just can't help myself. This week has been a milestone week. 

I hit and superseded 40 miles. I know compared to a healthy handful of folks, 40+ is hardly reason to blink...but for a girl who 6 months ago had a broken pelvis, this is a BIG deal. 

I have had NO body issues what-so-ever [except for a small blister on the ball of my foot thanks to 'brand new and still debatable if i like them' orthotics] and am recovering from overload workouts very quickly. It was awesome to see sub 7's on some laps and to be comfortable there. 

This has also been a milestone week because, thanks to KH, I hit double digits in ride time on my bike for the first time since February.  They have been GREAT rides because I've had GREAT company. I feel so fortunate to live in Austin and to have gotten to know such incredible people: Being able to get to know them as I train with them has been a blessing and I'm really looking forward to building these friendships. 

They are special days when everyone's training AND social schedules sync up; And this week has been full of special days!! 

This afternoon, TC and I are going to see 'sex and the city'. I am so excited for this movie!  I watched all of the seasons and I am hoping they continue the story lines they set up in the season finale...! I have high expectations and hope I am not disappointed.  The fact of the matter is that, regardless of resolved or unresolved story lines, it will be damn near impossible to disappoint two girls who are able to spend a friday afternoon watching a movie while eating yummy organic gummy candies...because really, who can find reason to complain about that?!

customer service changes

The self serve coffee at the foodwhole has returned!!!!!!

I would have taken a picture for proof but I did not have my phone with me today... 

Oh how I hope this is not a one day tease like the ONE day they brought back the superior flap top salad bar boxes was.

...with caution...

Blogging has been such a positive experience for me: It's a funny thought though: you create this virtual world through a blog; posting your thoughts, sometimes deep, for anyone [including many whom you don't know] to read. Blogging has been positive because I've gotten to know people on a different level and on my terms. I put out there what I want [or what I feel compelled] to share. I share things on my blog that don't always have an opportunity to come up in a 'normal' or 'in-passing' conversation...Because of this, you get to know people, or rather, people get to 'know' you on a different, and arguably more intimate level;  This has led to new friendships with people who started out as mere 'Oh! I read their blog' acquaintances.  And just yesterday I received a face book message from a high school friend's mother [and an INCREDIBLE photographer] after she read my post about Anorexia: It was one of the kindest, most touching, inspiring, feel good messages I think I have ever received. It left me feeling SO HONORED...and just GOOD. For these and many other reasons, like I said, blogging has been a positive experience...but last weekend* [without getting into the nitty-gritty of the situation], blogging kinda bit me in the ass. 

*ironic timing because just last week 'bama [who doesn't read my blog but who knows I blog] told me to proceed with caution after reading this article in the nytimes.

security

I need to post an update about the last few days [and I will before the holiday weekend is over] because I've had some 'personal breakthroughs' [maybe thats too bold of a word?], ok, 'personal revelations' after talking with some girlfriends [TC and KH, THANK YOU!] but first I wanted to update everyone on this crazy neighbor lady. The door slamming is out of control. She has been slamming her door at all hours of the day [today the sun hadn't even risen yet] AND night. I have been speaking with another neighbor, one that actually shares a wall with her [oh God, I can't even imagine having that negative energy on the other side of MY wall!] : Crazy neighbor has been playing classical music loud enough that her wall sharing neighbor can hear it: additionally she has been banging on the wall. Today I received an email from wall sharing neighbor that informed me that crazy neighbor cursed out another neighbor last night... I mean really, who does s*** like that?! She's certifiably crazy...crazy enough that, and this is the reason for the update, WE NOW HAVE A SECURITY GUARD IN OUR HALLWAY. Apparently some of the neighbors are collecting evidence to 'make a case' against her in order to get a restraining order which, when she violates it [because you know she will], will put her in jail where upon she will be carted off to a mental institution [or hopefully so]

Folks, this is some seriously bad juju.

Google yourself, I dare ya

The first time I did it was back in grad school...  

Recently I've met a handful of new people and started wondering 'If they were to Google me, what would they find?' So I googled myself  again.

Wow, there are some gems out there!

Amongst other things, I found:

1] that there are photos of my apartment ONLINE because it was featured on HGTV's show 'small space, big style' a few years ago]. Yes I know this because they filmed me too...but it is still TOTALLY WEIRD.

2] that Jennifer Perkins [She's so cool, btw] of the 'Naughty Secretary Club' blogged about working with me on the DIY network show 'CraftLab'. 

3] that  I charge 700$ for my polaroids?! huh?!...I wish.

These revelations caused me to reflect on the fun things I've accomplished as a 'designer'. 'Designer' is in quotes because I dont FEEL like one; In fact, I fight that label with [more than half] my might.  It ["design"] is what I do... And sure, Google might define me as a 'designer', but what I DO is not who I AM..

It's a good thing to remember: What we do, or how we perform, should not define who we are: Our personalities should not be performance based... It's hard to accept that. I know when I've had a kick ass workout or had a client thrilled with the outcome of a project, I do FEEL BETTER about myself. I tend to be happier and smile more when I am doing 'well' in life...but when I'm doing sub-par [let's ignore the fact that there is no 'sub par' when you always do your best, right?!] it's defnitely a challenge to remain TRUE and POSITIVE... 

No matter the performance, no matter the outcome, no matter the result, so long as you do your best and have fun doing it, you are being the most true and positive YOU you can be... 

So never mind google, HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOU?

onward ho!

its undeniable...

I have to say, once that shaky feeling passed yesterday, I was filled with this immense CALMNESS: Unlike anything I can remember in quite some time. It sticks around until I start thinking about this one thing, this one person I had an 'unclosed' conversation with last thursday. You know that kind of conversation; There are a million things to say, half a dozen are touched on, nothing is communicated in depth, but enough is so that it leaves you wondering what the rest of the story is...? Yeah, you know the kind. So anyway, I keep thinking about this person; I know, or rather, I've heard, they are going through some growing pains: I've tried to reach out a few times in the past month, but to no avail: An apology for this came my way thursday but words without action are pretty meaningless to me. I am an action only person...so if I dont see the 'action' following the words, I doubt their sincerity and think they really must not care all that much:  It's hard for me to 'not say' something so to avoid confrontation [or even just basic communication!] I end up just shutting down which, of course, just makes things worse. I know 'less is more' but I keep wondering, if I tell this person how I really feel, what would happen? Would it crack open and dissolve this awkwardness? A girlfriend who knows them told me I should write a letter to get it out, to let them know that I care and that I am here: No expectations. No conditions; Just a 'putting it out there' letter... I'd like to: But I dont want them to feel like they have to respond or whatever: I'm putting it out there for my own sanity, so that I have no regrets for things unsaid... I know if I only do things or if I dont do things because of the reaction that I am hoping to get or not get, that it defeats the purpose of me putting it out there...right?!  

People are so complicated.

I've had this john mayer song on repeat on my ipod: 10 miles of it today...It's a slow song but it had me running too fast for the prescribed workout...I think its time for a new song.

'say' by john mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you only could . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

you know that feeling...

...when your heart is racing and it feels like it could just jump out of your chest; hands are shaky, as if there is a nervous or anxious energy pulsing through your veins; you feel like someone is pushing you from the front AND from the back, compressing your insides in both directions, simultaneously making you feel heavy and light both at the same time; it comes on unexpectedly and you cant figure out why...its not that you have too much energy, in fact, you are dead tired...

i cant wait for it to pass. 

neighbor redux

omg...is she for real?! this woman, holy mary mother of christ! "gestapo"?! lie?! she TOLD THEM TO REMOVE THE PLANT if it was such an issue! well, it seems SHE obviously has issues. ive heard stories, from other neighbors; she's called them nasty nasty names, muttering them under her breath as she stands with them in the elevator. she also cooks. smelly food. like fried potatoes. and onions... name a smelly food, it permeates our hallway on a near daily basis. there is a safety orange cone marking her parking spot in the garage. maybe she is schizophrenic?  her husband also lives in the building: but two floors below. he always carries a paper shopping bag, the kind with handles, with a rolled up newspaper in it. sometimes he leaves her things in front of her door. i have met their daughter, i invited her in once. she had seen my polaroids at a gallery and liked them: she didnt know it was ME until she saw them lined up in my apartment. thus, up until this point, i gave her parents the benefit of the doubt: but now her mother is throwing around words like 'gestapo' and i have to admit, im more than a bit disturbed to have such angry energy living at the end of my hallway...

my neighbors

whoa...so much angst... 

[disclaimer: i have 'published' and 'unpublished' this post 4 times already: i keep posting it, regretting it, then removing it. i am obviously conflicted about sharing this with the world: however, in the past hour, i have convinced myself that i have nothing to loose by doing so. it is part of my history. it is where i came from. it is my journey. i am not ashamed.]

once i almost died.

i had been an active kid; always excelling at whatever sport i chose to play at the time, whether it was tennis or basketball, figure skating or field hockey. i was not a 'big' girl, but i was not a 'small' girl either. i was 'average'. and that should have been ok. 

my dad, though, he is a 'great' man, a self-made man. he is 'above average' and thus, it is only fitting that he married another 'above average' person, my mother. my mother is a 'great' woman, a die-hard sports fan and a spiritual warrior of a woman. being 'average' meant i felt 'inferior' as a kid. i did everything the 'right' way.  i made my bed, and set the table; i made straight a's, and never misbehaved. my dad expected a lot from me, the eldest child, and the only girl. i wanted my dad to be proud. i wanted to be the best. my freshman year of highschool, i played field hockey and i was 'good': i wanted to be  the 'best' and i thought being 'healthy' would help. throughout the course of the season, 'healthy' became 'thin';  and 'thin' became 'not thin enough'. in two months that passed between the end of the field hockey season and december 1st, i lost over 20 lbs.  

my mom took me to the doctor when my periods stopped.

i kept extensive journals, prayer journals; i found these journals when i was home a few months ago.  i've been reading them like novels since.  i forgot how lonely i was in middle school and high school until i read these: that was the fuel for my writing no doubt.  What follows below are the pertinent excerpts from December 1995 and when I was ultimately hospitalized two months later. some of what you will read below is not 'right'; its disturbing; its sad; it, at times, makes little sense. reading these entries now, im truly able to see how far i've come...

12.06.1995

Dear Lord,

Today I went to the doctor..Dr. D_______ [or something, I dont know how to spell her name although I know THAT spelling is wrong]. She is so cool. She seems like a great doctor. She told me i either need to gain 6 lbs, only exercise 3x a week, or add 1 tbs of fat to my diet. I opted for the last option [I will start adding olive oil to my veggies]. Please help me to get my period back without gaining any weight. She mentioned this woman, Karen Carpenter, she said that she doesnt want me 'to end up like her'... I don't know who she is and I was to embarrassed to ask. I also pray that you would help me to remain on top of my school work and studying for finals. Also, help me to cope with my brothers and help me to control my temper and enhance my patience to greater lengths. Please help me to not eat any cookies at the cookie exchange...Please bless my family and watch over and guide me always...

Amen.

12.07.1995

Dear Lord, 

Well...the olive oil rampage has begun->I was supposed to take a tablespoon but just barely got a teaspoon in..lord I want to get my period back but I don't want to have to gain weight to do that...

12.13.1995

Dear Lord, 

....my weight is continuing to drop-now at 102-104-I dont know what to do. Each time I eat more than I usually do I feel horribly guilty..It is taking over my life->everything I think about has to do with food... I go back to the dr. in a month and I have NO idea what kind of shape I'll be in then..just thinking about it makes me want to gag.  It is taking control of me. I obsess over calories, fat,etc. Please help me to keep my metabolism FAST [not SLOW] and help me get my period back.

12.17.1995

Dear Lord,

...Please keep my weight stable at 104...my mom forced me on the scale today. She said I have to get back on in 2 days.

12.24.1995

Dear Lord,

...Please help me to cope with stress and help me to remain calm about this whole "eating disorder" fiasco I'm going through. Help me to get it under control...Help restore my body [w/o gaining weight]...

1.08.1996

Dear Lord,

Merritt is worried about me, my parents and my grandparents are worried too. I'm the only one not worried it seems like...I have no urge to make myself eat though... Geez! I wish I could eat anything I wanted and not have to worry about it but I can't. I just feel sooo guilty and fat and just awful whenever I eat anything: just thinking about ice cream and cookies and pizza make me want to hurl..Why eat it anyway...The junk food is addicting, its a trap; once you start eating it it becomes more and more habit and harder to resist; "a minute in the mouth a month [or years!] on the hips" who needs it? not me. I feel so much better about myself when I eat healthy or skimp on a meal. By eating too plainly you taste the real flavor of the food. I don't know, I'm just blabbing; trying to get it all [or most of my feelings] down on paper...that way they don't rip me to shreds on the inside. Today my dad was virtually on the phone all day with people [drs] specializing in 'eating disorders'. They [along with many others] are convinced I have one....I go to tulsa with my dad on thursday to check out this clinic down there: if I like it there, I stay for 1 month and take my school work with me..Who knows what will happen...My weight is fluctuating between 102-99.  Dad got me on the scale tonight...

1.10.1996

Dear Lord,

...Today I went to see Anne G_____....an eating disorders specialist. Dad told me she was a nutritionist before I met with her. After a few questions I quickly found out she wasnt...Uhhhh... Well, I'm not allowed to exercise b/c its unhealthy for me...It's 'dangerous' according to anne....It's weird. It's like my secret has been discovered... I'm "anorexic" or I have something called "anorexia nervosa"... I'm actually scared because I don't know what is going to happen to me. The only thing I know is that if my weight drops to 95, I'm in the hospital. She has a spot reserved for me just in case...Isn't that dumb?! I will overcome this problem: my weight will stabilize and I will not gain a pound. I cannot exercise until I see the dietician. I feel so gross if I dont exercise though...What the heck am I going to do? I suppose I could sneak downstairs when no one is home...Like tomorrow when mom takes the boys to tennis..thats a possibility since Im not allowed to play tennis anymore either....

1.11.1996

Dear Lord, 

Forgive me, I exercised for an hour today.

1.12.1996

Dear Lord, 

Well I went to menninger clinic today...I will not allow myself to be committed there. the kids were strange...They just didnt look normal. please let this work on an outpatient level....I feel so good at this weight...At 126* I felt fat and ugly, now I feel good and confident. I know its bad to let self acceptance be based on physical appearance but I do feel better when I eat less and exercise...I am at the point where I don't have a choice whether or not I get help so please help me find drs that I like and that I feel comfortable with...Help people, especially my parents to accept me for who I am, not what I have... Please help them to cope with this because I know its hard on them...

1.16.1996

Dear Lord, 

I am upset because Dr. S______ and Ronni talked and I am at the 76% and typically they dont release a patient from the hospital until they are at 80%. thus, I have to gain 6 lbs...during this time please help me not to feel anxious, stressed or guilty in any way...

1.17.1996

Dear Lord,

Today I had an ECG [electrocardiogram] to check my heart beat: the lady said its low, very slow...whatever. She's not the dr. Dr. D will call tomorrow and let me know the results. 

1.22.1996

Dear Lord,

Today Ronnie made me add a visible fat to my breakfast with my Ensure...

1.23.1996

Dear Lord,

I am having incredible trouble making myself eat more...I just cant eat as much as they want me to...

1.24.1996

Dear Lord,

I am 1 lb from hospitalization.

1.31.1996

Dear Lord,

Dr. S wants me in the hospital. He is thinking about putting me on some sort of medicine for my heart. He'd be able to better monitor me there...Lucky for me, there isn't a bed available yet.  I'm going to Arizona friday with my dad to look at Remuda Ranch, another clinic.

2.06.1996.

Dear Lord, 

I am not in the hospital yet but probably will be soon...

2.09.1996

Dear Lord,

Well, I arrived at the hospital last night after my last dinner at home for a long time...now I have to eat a ton...at least I only have to eat 50% of each thing. I also have to have 3 Ensure Plus' a day [@ 355 calories, 13 grams of fat EACH]. Breakfast is soon. I am dreading this first meal. Not only am I 1] in the hospital but 2] I'm on bed rest. 

What came after was an extensive inpatient stay followed by a handful of months as a day patient at the clinic. All but 3 weeks of the second semester of my freshman year of high school and most of that following summer, were spent in the hospital, either as an inpatient or a day patient. I struggled throughout high school: relapsing twice; Once was right after I was released from the hospital for a trip to the Cayman Islands. The second occurred was while I was studying at Oxford [in England] for 6 weeks between my junior and senior year of high school: It was 'bad' enough that my parents flew me home from ROME, ITALY [less than 24 hrs after arriving] during the family vacation that followed.  Despite these setbacks, reading the rest of my journals, it became obvious that I WANTED TO GET BETTER. I prayed daily for strength. I internalized everyone's fear, even though at times I didn't believe the situation was as dire as everyone was making it out to seem. I told myself I would die if I did not eat: I told myself lots of things 'to get over it'... When a thought like 'I feel fat' or 'I cant eat that, it will make me fat' or 'I am so weak' I would challenge it with 'I feel stronger' or 'I need to eat that: I am going to die if I don't'.  I still challenge negative thoughts as they arise: I always counter a negative with two positives: It's one of the greatest coping mechanisms I learned. It saved my life. At first I was telling myself things I didn't believe it at all... but over time, over time, I started to believe. It was truly MIND over MATTER. I talked myself into getting better...Sure, I had to eat, but for me, it was so much more than food. I learned a lot about myself, I learned a lot about people in general. I would be flat out lying to you if I said I didnt fight those demons every now and then.. I have come to accept that there will always be someone bigger than me; There will always be someone thinner; There will always be someone shorter, and taller; Someone bolder and some one blonder; Someone faster and someone funnier...Anorexia is not merely something I 'had'; But it was my filter for adolescent shit...the same shit that drove my peers to promiscuity or drugs. Anorexia did not kill me, but rather, gave rise to my voice and the real me. Ironically, being on the other side of it now, I see that I damn dear died only to find myself reborn...

The pictures below were taken TWO years after I was discharged from the hospital; I was still not healthy by any stretch of the imagination...It was not until I went away to college that I reached 126 again...and of course, the picture of me running below, taken last year, finds me hovering there abouts....hardly "fat and ugly"....

for more information about eating disorders

btw: for those wondering what sparked this post: read marsha marsha marsha's post yesterday: it inspired me to share my story... she's the yin to my yang: thanks marsha :) 

All systems, GO!

Chem II + Lab

and

Intro to Nutrition

I have registered.

A few pre-requirements to get out of the way before 'admittance' becomes 'official' but...

I've moved forward. 

relative speeds

I know EVERYTHING is a matter of perspective, ALWAYS...

I am really struggling with this new pacing information I've received. LIKE REALLY REALLY STRUGGLING. 

Not only does it FEEL strange, but it is really doing a number on my ego.

[Let's just ignore, for now, the inherent problem in the latter half of that statement...please?]

Slow should describe only how I feel, NOT as a descriptor for the pace I am running...or for that matter, yours. 

That said, I have decided to remove the word 'slow' from my vocabulary.

In its place,  the words 'relaxed', 'conversational', 'manageable', or 'coffee shop' will be used to describe pace.... ...but I can say, still, that I FEEL slow...ok? 

'Sometimes you gotta slow down to speed up...' 

Yeah, I get it.

tongue wagging

What's the deal with all the older gentlemen on the trail sticking their tongues out at me [or even more disturbing, licking their lips] when they pass by going the opposite direction?
Seriously, it's OBSCENE.


On another note: I found out last week I have been running my endurance runs 'too fast': So, per dw's mandate, I have had to slow down. WAY DOWN. As previously mentioned, I am not going to share nitty gritty details of pace and all that jazz, but let's just say this, slowing down by, at the least, a minute per mile [and that's still not 'slow' enough] is HARD.
And it HURTS.

This made the tongue wagging even more distracting: Due to my slowed trajectory I was privy to this interaction for a longer amount of time. ICK.

pizza craving

A 1:17:50 run split at St. Croix 70.3 to put [local pro-triathlete, international relations treasure trove of knowledge, core-class instructor extraordinaire, and friend to many]  Patrick Evoe in the top 10 is sure to make Little Caesar's proud... Hot and ready, no doubt I'm not the only one who is impressed by that.  

I don't miss butter one bit.

As previously mentioned, this is my year to step outside my comfort zone and to do things that make me anxious,

I am facing, amongst other things,

>handstands in yoga class 

>NIA dance class

>swimming proper laps [trying to learn a flip turn]

>communicating my feelings honestly and openly and in a timely fashion

>asking for and admitting what I need, not what I want [There is a difference]

>cooking, involving the application of heat, via stovetop or oven range. Microwaves do NOT count. 

The cooking thing is a really big deal. LittleJohn likes to say I have a treasure's trove worth of recipes and recipe modifications in my brain...The problem is I lack the skills of realization.

This all started to change around Christmas time when my friend Alabama and I decided to start a 'supper club' on Sunday nights. The first thing I contributed, besides hosting it at my place, was dessert.

BROWNIES.

Now, my [gluten free, soy free, dairy free] guilt-free brownies are always a hit. LJ calls them his kryptonite [When he's lucky enough to be around when I've made a pan, those little squares are wrapped in wax paper and become fuel during epic bike rides]. I can't take too much credit for them though, because despite the fact that I modify the bejeeezus out of a pre-packaged allergen free baking mix, it is still a pre-packaged mix.   The same can be said for my [again, GF, SF, DF] chocolate chip cookie bars. They are almost as popular, depending on w

ho you ask. The PDG once ate 1/3 of a pan in an evening and claimed he had another 1/3 immediately before a run with NO GI issues what-so-ever.  For those that are runners, to find a pre-run food that sits well [and to have it be cookies?!] is a very very good thing. So, after a brief baking hiatus, 'bama, being the true southerner he is, challenged me to biscuits. 

BISCUITS. 

I guess it's not fair to say it was a challenge because I wasn't up against anyone but myself and my insecurities in the kitchen. But I have never baked biscuits from 'sorta-scratch' before. I used a general gluten free baking mix. The package claimed it was for 'biscuits and pancakes'... The recipe on the back called for one to add 1/2 cup of butter and 3/4 milk. Obviously, despite the fact the dry ingredients were GF, DF, and SF, the addition of butter and milk were out of the question.

So what did this dairy free girl to do?

This is what:

I used REFINED COCONUT OIL* [Refined is KEY when baking or cooking and the ever so slight flavor of coconut is NOT desired...If you desire a touch of coconut flavor, say in brownies or cookies, UNrefined is fine]
and APPLESAUCE.
and RICE MILK.
and WATER.
and [as if cutting some of the oil with applesauce didn't modify the recipe enough] I also added some ALMOND MEAL FLOUR to the dry ingredients to give the biscuits a touch more heft and moisture...

I made 6 plain biscuits and then for the remainder of the dough, I added a healthy dash of cinnamon and nutmeg, a squeeze of light agave nectar, dried bing cherries, and roasted almond pieces.

YUM! The camera phone picture I took just does NOT do these treats justice. Seriously. They are the perfect density, crumbly, but not too much so, sweet but not overly so, and just the right size so you can have 2, guilt free.

*A note about coconut oil: It is a solid at room temp. and perfect for baking. Watch the video below or  Go here to read about the metabolic benefits of this oil.

 

"TOTO, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"

This is my year to step outside my comfort zone, to try things that scare me, or make me anxious, or intimidated, or challenged. Just as pushing ones body beyond where it is comfortable to get fit, facing what makes us uncomfortable/anxious/scared is how we evolve emotionally.

This is why I do NIA. Just once a week, but that's enough, TRUST ME. I go to get out of my head, or rather, to attempt to. I thought I was very aware, very connected, very in tune with my body. I thought I would pick it up quickly... but while attending my first NIA class I realized I was sorely mistaken. The teacher says 'step with right foot' and I moved left. She moved forward with her right arm raised, I moved forward with my left. Of course, it never fails that just when I think I have it, she changes the tempo or God forbid, she starts to shimmy AT THE SAME TIME as coordinating her hands and feet, arms and legs: I always try to 'get it' but sometimes I look so hideous I just stand and giggle.

I don't have a lick of rhythm in my bones [unless, well, I'm fairly inebriated...and that is a rare occasion indeed] and despite what people say, you do need to have an inherent sense of rhythm to do NIA. Wait, before I piss off die-hard NIA groupies with that statement, let me clarify: You need rhythm TO LOOK GOOD doing NIA. 

I look like I have two left feet and straight as an arrow arms. 

My hips do not 'shimmy' and my shoulders do not 'shake'. 

I move like the tin man. 

And it is UGLY. 

I am not a 'natural', not by a long shot. I may be the 'most athletically fit' person in the room but I am BY FAR the most clumsy/ awkward/ out of sync: This is and has been very hard to accept. I tend to pick up things quickly; This NIA thing though? Well, it's taking some time. And because I just don't seem to 'get it' yet, I'm finding it taxing, not just rhythmically but mentally/emotionally as well. 

But I go. 

Why? Because I know just as a forest fire destroys the old wood, it creates opportunity for new growth...

What is NIA? Check out the website and these YouTube Videos. The promo video is a RIOT. Seriously.  It's long, 10 minutes, but it's a jem. And really, picture me doing this stuff WILLINGLY: It's comedy, no doubt.