its undeniable...

I have to say, once that shaky feeling passed yesterday, I was filled with this immense CALMNESS: Unlike anything I can remember in quite some time. It sticks around until I start thinking about this one thing, this one person I had an 'unclosed' conversation with last thursday. You know that kind of conversation; There are a million things to say, half a dozen are touched on, nothing is communicated in depth, but enough is so that it leaves you wondering what the rest of the story is...? Yeah, you know the kind. So anyway, I keep thinking about this person; I know, or rather, I've heard, they are going through some growing pains: I've tried to reach out a few times in the past month, but to no avail: An apology for this came my way thursday but words without action are pretty meaningless to me. I am an action only person...so if I dont see the 'action' following the words, I doubt their sincerity and think they really must not care all that much:  It's hard for me to 'not say' something so to avoid confrontation [or even just basic communication!] I end up just shutting down which, of course, just makes things worse. I know 'less is more' but I keep wondering, if I tell this person how I really feel, what would happen? Would it crack open and dissolve this awkwardness? A girlfriend who knows them told me I should write a letter to get it out, to let them know that I care and that I am here: No expectations. No conditions; Just a 'putting it out there' letter... I'd like to: But I dont want them to feel like they have to respond or whatever: I'm putting it out there for my own sanity, so that I have no regrets for things unsaid... I know if I only do things or if I dont do things because of the reaction that I am hoping to get or not get, that it defeats the purpose of me putting it out there...right?!  

People are so complicated.

I've had this john mayer song on repeat on my ipod: 10 miles of it today...It's a slow song but it had me running too fast for the prescribed workout...I think its time for a new song.

'say' by john mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you only could . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]