once i almost died.
i kept extensive journals, prayer journals; i found these journals when i was home a few months ago. i've been reading them like novels since. i forgot how lonely i was in middle school and high school until i read these: that was the fuel for my writing no doubt. What follows below are the pertinent excerpts from December 1995 and when I was ultimately hospitalized two months later. some of what you will read below is not 'right'; its disturbing; its sad; it, at times, makes little sense. reading these entries now, im truly able to see how far i've come...
What came after was an extensive inpatient stay followed by a handful of months as a day patient at the clinic. All but 3 weeks of the second semester of my freshman year of high school and most of that following summer, were spent in the hospital, either as an inpatient or a day patient. I struggled throughout high school: relapsing twice; Once was right after I was released from the hospital for a trip to the Cayman Islands. The second occurred was while I was studying at Oxford [in England] for 6 weeks between my junior and senior year of high school: It was 'bad' enough that my parents flew me home from ROME, ITALY [less than 24 hrs after arriving] during the family vacation that followed. Despite these setbacks, reading the rest of my journals, it became obvious that I WANTED TO GET BETTER. I prayed daily for strength. I internalized everyone's fear, even though at times I didn't believe the situation was as dire as everyone was making it out to seem. I told myself I would die if I did not eat: I told myself lots of things 'to get over it'... When a thought like 'I feel fat' or 'I cant eat that, it will make me fat' or 'I am so weak' I would challenge it with 'I feel stronger' or 'I need to eat that: I am going to die if I don't'. I still challenge negative thoughts as they arise: I always counter a negative with two positives: It's one of the greatest coping mechanisms I learned. It saved my life. At first I was telling myself things I didn't believe it at all... but over time, over time, I started to believe. It was truly MIND over MATTER. I talked myself into getting better...Sure, I had to eat, but for me, it was so much more than food. I learned a lot about myself, I learned a lot about people in general. I would be flat out lying to you if I said I didnt fight those demons every now and then.. I have come to accept that there will always be someone bigger than me; There will always be someone thinner; There will always be someone shorter, and taller; Someone bolder and some one blonder; Someone faster and someone funnier...Anorexia is not merely something I 'had'; But it was my filter for adolescent shit...the same shit that drove my peers to promiscuity or drugs. Anorexia did not kill me, but rather, gave rise to my voice and the real me. Ironically, being on the other side of it now, I see that I damn dear died only to find myself reborn...
i had been an active kid; always excelling at whatever sport i chose to play at the time, whether it was tennis or basketball, figure skating or field hockey. i was not a 'big' girl, but i was not a 'small' girl either. i was 'average'. and that should have been ok.
my dad, though, he is a 'great' man, a self-made man. he is 'above average' and thus, it is only fitting that he married another 'above average' person, my mother. my mother is a 'great' woman, a die-hard sports fan and a spiritual warrior of a woman. being 'average' meant i felt 'inferior' as a kid. i did everything the 'right' way. i made my bed, and set the table; i made straight a's, and never misbehaved. my dad expected a lot from me, the eldest child, and the only girl. i wanted my dad to be proud. i wanted to be the best. my freshman year of highschool, i played field hockey and i was 'good': i wanted to be the 'best' and i thought being 'healthy' would help. throughout the course of the season, 'healthy' became 'thin'; and 'thin' became 'not thin enough'. in two months that passed between the end of the field hockey season and december 1st, i lost over 20 lbs.
my mom took me to the doctor when my periods stopped.
i kept extensive journals, prayer journals; i found these journals when i was home a few months ago. i've been reading them like novels since. i forgot how lonely i was in middle school and high school until i read these: that was the fuel for my writing no doubt. What follows below are the pertinent excerpts from December 1995 and when I was ultimately hospitalized two months later. some of what you will read below is not 'right'; its disturbing; its sad; it, at times, makes little sense. reading these entries now, im truly able to see how far i've come...
12.06.1995
Dear Lord,
Today I went to the doctor..Dr. D_______ [or something, I dont know how to spell her name although I know THAT spelling is wrong]. She is so cool. She seems like a great doctor. She told me i either need to gain 6 lbs, only exercise 3x a week, or add 1 tbs of fat to my diet. I opted for the last option [I will start adding olive oil to my veggies]. Please help me to get my period back without gaining any weight. She mentioned this woman, Karen Carpenter, she said that she doesnt want me 'to end up like her'... I don't know who she is and I was to embarrassed to ask. I also pray that you would help me to remain on top of my school work and studying for finals. Also, help me to cope with my brothers and help me to control my temper and enhance my patience to greater lengths. Please help me to not eat any cookies at the cookie exchange...Please bless my family and watch over and guide me always...
Amen.
12.07.1995
Dear Lord,
Well...the olive oil rampage has begun->I was supposed to take a tablespoon but just barely got a teaspoon in..lord I want to get my period back but I don't want to have to gain weight to do that...
12.13.1995
Dear Lord,
....my weight is continuing to drop-now at 102-104-I dont know what to do. Each time I eat more than I usually do I feel horribly guilty..It is taking over my life->everything I think about has to do with food... I go back to the dr. in a month and I have NO idea what kind of shape I'll be in then..just thinking about it makes me want to gag. It is taking control of me. I obsess over calories, fat,etc. Please help me to keep my metabolism FAST [not SLOW] and help me get my period back.
12.17.1995
Dear Lord,
...Please keep my weight stable at 104...my mom forced me on the scale today. She said I have to get back on in 2 days.
12.24.1995
Dear Lord,
...Please help me to cope with stress and help me to remain calm about this whole "eating disorder" fiasco I'm going through. Help me to get it under control...Help restore my body [w/o gaining weight]...
1.08.1996
Dear Lord,
Merritt is worried about me, my parents and my grandparents are worried too. I'm the only one not worried it seems like...I have no urge to make myself eat though... Geez! I wish I could eat anything I wanted and not have to worry about it but I can't. I just feel sooo guilty and fat and just awful whenever I eat anything: just thinking about ice cream and cookies and pizza make me want to hurl..Why eat it anyway...The junk food is addicting, its a trap; once you start eating it it becomes more and more habit and harder to resist; "a minute in the mouth a month [or years!] on the hips" who needs it? not me. I feel so much better about myself when I eat healthy or skimp on a meal. By eating too plainly you taste the real flavor of the food. I don't know, I'm just blabbing; trying to get it all [or most of my feelings] down on paper...that way they don't rip me to shreds on the inside. Today my dad was virtually on the phone all day with people [drs] specializing in 'eating disorders'. They [along with many others] are convinced I have one....I go to tulsa with my dad on thursday to check out this clinic down there: if I like it there, I stay for 1 month and take my school work with me..Who knows what will happen...My weight is fluctuating between 102-99. Dad got me on the scale tonight...
1.10.1996
Dear Lord,
...Today I went to see Anne G_____....an eating disorders specialist. Dad told me she was a nutritionist before I met with her. After a few questions I quickly found out she wasnt...Uhhhh... Well, I'm not allowed to exercise b/c its unhealthy for me...It's 'dangerous' according to anne....It's weird. It's like my secret has been discovered... I'm "anorexic" or I have something called "anorexia nervosa"... I'm actually scared because I don't know what is going to happen to me. The only thing I know is that if my weight drops to 95, I'm in the hospital. She has a spot reserved for me just in case...Isn't that dumb?! I will overcome this problem: my weight will stabilize and I will not gain a pound. I cannot exercise until I see the dietician. I feel so gross if I dont exercise though...What the heck am I going to do? I suppose I could sneak downstairs when no one is home...Like tomorrow when mom takes the boys to tennis..thats a possibility since Im not allowed to play tennis anymore either....
1.11.1996
Dear Lord,
Forgive me, I exercised for an hour today.
1.12.1996
Dear Lord,
Well I went to menninger clinic today...I will not allow myself to be committed there. the kids were strange...They just didnt look normal. please let this work on an outpatient level....I feel so good at this weight...At 126* I felt fat and ugly, now I feel good and confident. I know its bad to let self acceptance be based on physical appearance but I do feel better when I eat less and exercise...I am at the point where I don't have a choice whether or not I get help so please help me find drs that I like and that I feel comfortable with...Help people, especially my parents to accept me for who I am, not what I have... Please help them to cope with this because I know its hard on them...
1.16.1996
Dear Lord,
I am upset because Dr. S______ and Ronni talked and I am at the 76% and typically they dont release a patient from the hospital until they are at 80%. thus, I have to gain 6 lbs...during this time please help me not to feel anxious, stressed or guilty in any way...
1.17.1996
Dear Lord,
Today I had an ECG [electrocardiogram] to check my heart beat: the lady said its low, very slow...whatever. She's not the dr. Dr. D will call tomorrow and let me know the results.
1.22.1996
Dear Lord,
Today Ronnie made me add a visible fat to my breakfast with my Ensure...
1.23.1996
Dear Lord,
I am having incredible trouble making myself eat more...I just cant eat as much as they want me to...
1.24.1996
Dear Lord,
I am 1 lb from hospitalization.
1.31.1996
Dear Lord,
Dr. S wants me in the hospital. He is thinking about putting me on some sort of medicine for my heart. He'd be able to better monitor me there...Lucky for me, there isn't a bed available yet. I'm going to Arizona friday with my dad to look at Remuda Ranch, another clinic.
2.06.1996.
Dear Lord,
I am not in the hospital yet but probably will be soon...
2.09.1996
Dear Lord,
Well, I arrived at the hospital last night after my last dinner at home for a long time...now I have to eat a ton...at least I only have to eat 50% of each thing. I also have to have 3 Ensure Plus' a day [@ 355 calories, 13 grams of fat EACH]. Breakfast is soon. I am dreading this first meal. Not only am I 1] in the hospital but 2] I'm on bed rest.
What came after was an extensive inpatient stay followed by a handful of months as a day patient at the clinic. All but 3 weeks of the second semester of my freshman year of high school and most of that following summer, were spent in the hospital, either as an inpatient or a day patient. I struggled throughout high school: relapsing twice; Once was right after I was released from the hospital for a trip to the Cayman Islands. The second occurred was while I was studying at Oxford [in England] for 6 weeks between my junior and senior year of high school: It was 'bad' enough that my parents flew me home from ROME, ITALY [less than 24 hrs after arriving] during the family vacation that followed. Despite these setbacks, reading the rest of my journals, it became obvious that I WANTED TO GET BETTER. I prayed daily for strength. I internalized everyone's fear, even though at times I didn't believe the situation was as dire as everyone was making it out to seem. I told myself I would die if I did not eat: I told myself lots of things 'to get over it'... When a thought like 'I feel fat' or 'I cant eat that, it will make me fat' or 'I am so weak' I would challenge it with 'I feel stronger' or 'I need to eat that: I am going to die if I don't'. I still challenge negative thoughts as they arise: I always counter a negative with two positives: It's one of the greatest coping mechanisms I learned. It saved my life. At first I was telling myself things I didn't believe it at all... but over time, over time, I started to believe. It was truly MIND over MATTER. I talked myself into getting better...Sure, I had to eat, but for me, it was so much more than food. I learned a lot about myself, I learned a lot about people in general. I would be flat out lying to you if I said I didnt fight those demons every now and then.. I have come to accept that there will always be someone bigger than me; There will always be someone thinner; There will always be someone shorter, and taller; Someone bolder and some one blonder; Someone faster and someone funnier...Anorexia is not merely something I 'had'; But it was my filter for adolescent shit...the same shit that drove my peers to promiscuity or drugs. Anorexia did not kill me, but rather, gave rise to my voice and the real me. Ironically, being on the other side of it now, I see that I damn dear died only to find myself reborn...
The pictures below were taken TWO years after I was discharged from the hospital; I was still not healthy by any stretch of the imagination...It was not until I went away to college that I reached 126 again...and of course, the picture of me running below, taken last year, finds me hovering there abouts....hardly "fat and ugly"....
btw: for those wondering what sparked this post: read marsha marsha marsha's post yesterday: it inspired me to share my story... she's the yin to my yang: thanks marsha :)
3 comments:
thank you for finding it in yourself to share. You are a beautiful person.
Mel- you are amazing. To share this is a big deal. My sister has been in the hospital a few times now due to similar issues. It is something that is so hard, but the fact that you continued to seek the Lord for strength is huge. Mel- thank you for your honesty as this is where our true beauty lies. Okay- you need to email me- terracastro@sbcglobal.net so we can just meet for coffee.
You are amazing...strong...and brave for sharing your story. Thank you for allowing us into your life.
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